Houston Ballet

Photo Courtesy of Amitava Sarkar at
HoustonBallet.org

Does your spouse enjoy going to the ballet? Sometimes doing something with our spouse just because they like it can bring the most joy and satisfaction to our marriage. For my first wedding anniversary, I had my husband teach me how to fly fish… It’s definitely not my thing, but just like I found, you might really enjoy going to a ballet because of the beaming smile on your spouse’s face when you show up with those surprise tickets. This is one of those dates that’s only going to build the relationship if your heart is really in it.

Relationship Reconnection:

On your way to or from the event, take the time to find out what your spouse finds so enchanting about this type of performance. Ask questions and genuinely listen. Learning from your spouse can remind them that you value their intellect and their interest. 

Visit houstonballet.org for their season calendar and tickets. Tickets range anywhere from $12-$200, so there is something there for almost every budget.

77380 Book Date

I love a good bookstore.  They are full of stories waiting to be read and always seem so cozy inside.  That is why they are the perfect location for your next date night.  Head out to a local bookstore and peruse through the books together.  As you look, you each get to choose 3 book that you think the other person would like.  Many bookstores have some sort of sitting area where you can relax and look through some of the books you are interested in.  Take some time to sit down together and look through the books you chose for one another.  Tell them why that book reminded you of them or why you thought they would enjoy it.  At the end of the night, you each choose your favorite of the 3 books and purchase them.  

Relationship Reconnection Idea:
As the last activity for the night, you will each take the book you chose for each other and write a note inside the cover for them.  Write why you love them, what you want to remember from this date together, or get really creative and write about a book character that they remind you of and why.  Now these books will always have a personal touch and hopefully something you will cherish the rest of your marriage!

Here are a couple of local bookstores to check out:
Good Books in the Woods in Spring, Texas or
Once and Again Books in The Woodlands

Rock Climbing and Stonewalling

Divorce Proofing Your Marriage Series #4 of 4

Image courtesy of StoneMoves.com

This is the final date in this particular series. We’ve been learning how to communicate better between spouses by finding anecdotes to bad patterns that we may have fallen into.  I remember concepts best if I have a memory that I can attach to it, so for this date you’re going to try rock climbing! Get it? Rock, Stone, rock climbing, stone walling? I’m feeling clever! ;) Anyway! There’s an indoor climbing gym called Stone Moves in the 77069 zip code that seems like the perfect location for this date. The rates are much better than I was expecting and reviewers are quick to point out that the atmosphere is great for first timers and experienced climbers. Visit them here: www.stonemoves.com

Let’s learn a little about stonewalling before you rush off on your exciting date. Have you ever felt yourself shut down in a heated discussion with your spouse? Have you watched your spouse do this? Sometimes we can overwhelm our spouses in an argument by pushing them a little too far, causing them to shut down before we really manage to find a solution to the problem. This act of shutting down is what we’re referring to as “stonewalling” and it can really hurt your relationship. One way to fight this pattern in a relationship is to come up with a safe word that can be used to pause a discussion for about twenty minutes so that you can let a particularly stressful conversation cool down before continuing. During this date toss around light-hearted words that you could use for this purpose. Hopefully the memory of rock climbing will be fresh in your mind the next time one of you starts to stonewall.

Some safe word ideas could include silly things that ease the tension for a minute, a random fruit or food item or whatever you think you would be comfortable saying easily during a conflict. My husband and I say “turkey” because we jokingly refer to each other as “turkey’s” if we steal a bite of their sandwich or use all the hot water before the other has a chance to shower. It works for us because it’s really hard to call someone a “turkey” and be truly angry about it. This immediately reminds us of laughing together and does a lot to calm down our arguments while we take a time out. Let me know what words you pick I’d love to hear them in the comments J

*This series of dates is a little unique. You can focus on each of these one week at a time during four consecutive weeks, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed then try doing one of these dates each month and working on the goals for each over a month period while have some lighthearted dates in between each concept.

**For more complete information regarding elements of the 4 Horsemen concept please consider studying John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work available here for purchase: Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 

Dropping Your Defenses

Divorce Proofing Your Marriage Series #3 of 4

Image courtesy of Museum of Fine Arts, Houston

Tonight let’s go to the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston. There are multiple exhibits to enjoy, so you should be able to find something that tickles your fancy. This museum is even free if you can go on Thursday, or any weekday at lunchtime. Perfect for a relaxing time when you don’t even have to worry about where the financing is coming from.

Here’s the goal though, you aren’t really here for the art this time (though I’ve heard it’s quite good) tonight you’re at the museum because it’s a neutral zone for both of you to practice your listening skills! Tonight you’re going to ask each other questions about the art, about your interests or whatever gets your spouse talking, and practice not interrupting!

We want to be good communicators, but sometimes interrupting can lead to miscommunication or even send the message that the thing your spouse is saying is completely unimportant. I’m less likely to feel safe when I feel unimportant, so help each other drop the defensive walls by really listening and engaging in conversations that matter to the other person! And remember, accept responsibility if you interrupt by sincerely apologizing. Go on, give it a try! J

*This series of dates is a little unique. You can focus on each of these one week at a time during four consecutive weeks, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed then try doing one of these dates each month and working on the goals for each over a month period while have some lighthearted dates in between each concept.

**For more complete information regarding elements of the 4 Horsemen concept please consider studying John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work available here for purchase: Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 

Replacing Contempt with Appreciation

Divorce Proofing Your Marriage Series #2 of 4

 Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

For this date you’re going to go on a little trip to a bookstore. If you don’t have one in mind already, consider checking out Brazos Bookstore at 2421 Bissonnet St. Houston, 77005. They have all kinds of unique little books and specialty items. You are specifically on the hunt for a journal that’s cute enough for her, and still masculine enough for him. We’ll get to the purpose of the journal in a minute, but first, how often do you remember why you love your spouse? Do you spend time putting them down, rolling your eyes, and being irritated? Or are you inclined to show your appreciation for the effort they put forth, and the things they do right?

After your trip to the bookstore, head to a restaurant and have a quiet meal taking turns getting your “Love Journal” started. This journal is your ticket to refocusing on the positive in one another. You can talk if you want to, but make sure you spend at least a bit of time taking turns writing down things you appreciate about your spouse. If this is new to you, some ideas could be:

            -I appreciate when you kiss me goodnight

            -I love how happy our kids are around you

            -It means a lot to me when you remembered my big day at work and sent flowers

You can be specific or general, but make sure you both write in it. At the end of the date find a central location to keep the journal so that each of you have easy access to both read, and continue contributing to this journal.  

*This series of dates is a little unique. You can focus on each of these one week at a time during four consecutive weeks, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed then try doing one of these dates each month and working on the goals for each over a month period while have some lighthearted dates in between each concept.

**For more complete information regarding elements of the 4 Horsemen concept please consider studying John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work available here for purchase: Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 

Own Your Feelings!

Divorce Proofing Your Marriage Series #1 of 4

Has your spouse ever run to the store and come home with a treat?! Except you learn the treat is only for them? It might hurt your feelings, same thing if your spouse spends a lot of money on something and you had other plans for that cash. Sometimes when we are confronted with this type of situation, we choose to criticize! The phrase “You’re being selfish” might come to mind…

Instead of getting bent out of shape about it next time, own your emotions! Look at your spouse and practice saying “I-statements” every day:

            -I want some of that candy, please

            -I would like to be included in making future vacation plans

            -I would like to spend some money on xyz

Are you catching on? It’s not particularly difficult, but it does take some brain retraining. Keep in mind that this can get heated very quickly if you try to start with really big, touchy issues, so practice small first. Make it fun! 

Image Courtesy of Mister GC at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

For this date, go to the store and buy an assortment of things that you and your spouse enjoy snacking on. Put everything in a bowl and take turns using “I statements” to ask for things. The rule is you can’t get anything for yourself! Only for your spouse! Notice that if you don’t communicate what you want, your spouse doesn’t know (no mind-reading allowed!)  If you want this date to last longer pick a board game to play in between your “I statement” practice. 

*This series of dates is a little unique. You can focus on each of these one week at a time during four consecutive weeks, or if you’re feeling overwhelmed then try doing one of these dates each month and working on the goals for each over a month period while have some lighthearted dates in between each concept.

**For more complete information regarding elements of the 4 Horsement concept please consider studying John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work available here for purchase: Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 

Hank's Ice Cream Date

Image courtesy of Saphattachat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sometimes it can be really fun to find tried and true places in your community! Hanks is one of those! They’ve been making homemade ice cream for over twenty years, and if you haven’t tried homemade before, it’s a game changer! You can visit them online at hanksicecream.com if you want a sneak peek of what you’ll get in their little parlor. One of the things that makes Hanks such a neat little place is the way their menu operates, roughly 100 varieties of flavors, but they rotate through about 18 per day. This is one of those places that is fun to visit because it’s going to work you out of your normal routine with the flavor changes! You might try something new and end up loving it!

Relationship Reconnection:

What is something you want to emulate that your parents, grandparents, or other married role models did for their spouses? Do you want to say "I love you" more, or write a love note every week for example? While enjoying your homemade ice cream take the time to learn what made a happy home in your memories. Taking the time to talk about this can help you learn more about what your spouse might have expected from a marriage so that the two of you can work together to create a new home that makes both of you happy.